I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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