First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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