I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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