so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
