I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
