Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
