If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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