So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
