Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize