This is not my ceiling
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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