hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
