just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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