Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
