Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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