can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize