I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
