Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
