dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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