I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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