You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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