Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
If i come over, it means nothing
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
