ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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