Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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