If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
