My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
