Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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