Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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