I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
