strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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