did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
