so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
