matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
That reminds me...we need to get swords
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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