Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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