its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
sarcasm needs its own font
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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