I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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