tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
