I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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