Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
