I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
