Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
