Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
