Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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