last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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