You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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