Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
