omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize