you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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