apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
