I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
