Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
