oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
