I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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