it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize