he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
