we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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