now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
