My balls are so social today.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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