And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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