I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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