Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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