I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
