i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
