im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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